Stupid Conversations #2: @ Ross

I HATE going to Ross.  In the past 7 or 8 years Ross has gone from "Dress for Less" to dress in crappy clothes with even crappier service.  I used to think perhaps that I just got used to making good money and buying nice stuff, but I am pretty sure that is not it because I fully remember buying nice stuff like Express, The Limited, and Ann Taylor from Ross when I was just out of college.  Now Ross has become the Walmart of department discount stores and sadly the service has gone down the toilet along with the quality of close-out they carry as well.

Generally I avoid even setting foot into Ross, but the other day I walked through it in order to leave the mall and get out to my car, and I saw an outstanding deal on a purse that I could not pass up.  Surely a fairly decent name brand purse for 80% off would be worth the 45 minute wait in a line of 2 people and the stupidity I would have to endure when I actually got to check out.  Right?

 

POP QUIZ: How many Ross employees does it take to do simple math?  Read on for the answer.


Sales Associate: "That'll be $17.25"

Beth: (hands SA $20)

SA: "Out of $20.."

Beth: "Oh wait, here's 25 cents!" (hands over quarter to SA)

SA: "Ohhh... Ummmm, sorry but I already typed $20 into the register..." (confused look)

Beth: "So??"

SA: "Ummm, I can't take the quarter- it'll mess up my drawer."

Beth: "Not if you give me the correct change."

SA: "Ummmm, ok" (deep in thought)

Beth: "$3??"

SA: "Just a minute.  Im trying to add 25 cents to the total change I owe you." (writing down math problem $2.75 + 0.25 on scratch paper)

Beth: "$20.25-17.25= $3 even"

SA: (scribbles out other math problem and writes above problem down)

SA: "I just want to make sure, but if she gave me a quarter and I give her $3 back for this transaction, that's ok, right?" (asking another Ross employee)

SA #2: "I think so.  As long as it is correct change that should be fine."

SA #1: "Well because I punched in $20 for this transaction because that's what she gave me at first.  But then she gave me a quarter and I can't go back and change it.  So the change is supposed to be $2.75 back to the customer."

SA#2: "Oh, I see what you're saying.  Hey #####(Ross Manager), SA#1 rang up this transaction and input $20 because that's what the customer gave him, but then before he could give her the change of $2.75 she gave him a quarter and now she wants $3 back.  Can we do this?"

Ross Manager: "Let me look."  (Looking at transaction on register screen)

Luca: "OMG!  Seriously?!  It's $3.  I figured that out like an hour ago." (Irritated look)

Ross Manager: "Yeah, that should be ok."


ANSWER:  It takes 3 Ross employees to do 1st grade math.

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

As you may have noticed, Luca and I joined my parents this last week for a mini family vacation to go see a rocket launch at Vandenberg AFB.  It was your typical family vacation affair, where everyone piles into the Family Truckster and in true Clark W. Griswold fashion, Dad proceeds to scream at traffic and curse the imaginary forces of Evil which have clearly swarmed in on him, delaying our arrival in what he deems a reasonable amount of time. 

When we finally arrived in Lompoc (yes, that’s actually a name of a city), we found out we had to be on the bus to the launch facility at 9:40pm, and would arrive at Vandenberg by 10:00pm.  Luca was so excited about the whole thing that I couldn’t help but be excited too.  This initial excitement waned a bit when they announced that the launch “window” was 12:00-2:00am, and that we had a minimum of 2 hours to kill in an empty airplane hangar on a chilly night. 

Luca does not do well with waiting.  In fact, he complains if the wait at Disneyland is more than 15 minutes, and typically won't wait more than 30 minutes in line, before he opens up his map agitated, and begins planning our next move. It was a chore to keep him entertained for 2 hours. 

Needless to say, we survived, and finally, the big moment came!  And then, unfortunately, it passed.  There was a problem, and we were left waiting out in the cold, foggy night air for the problem to be resolved. 

We waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  Then around 1:15am, they finally “scrubbed”, or cancelled the mission, and we waited yet again, this time to be driven back to our hotel. 

We arrived back at the hotel around 2:15am, and everyone was exhausted.  I was particularly spent because of the aforementioned entertaining of said energetic 7 year old, and because I had worked 2 nights before this and had not recovered and gotten back on a regular schedule yet.  By the time we got back I had been up for nearly 24 hours, and you’d think it would be easy to sleep, but you’d be wrong. 

This is why:

Within 10.4 seconds of the light going out, my dad was already snoring.  I don’t mean snoring as in moderately loud and annoying, I mean snoring as in once we taped him on the answering machine, which was located down 30 feet of hallway, and joked we couldn’t hear the phone because he was snoring too loud.  Even with earplugs shoved into my ears, as far as they can go without actually touching my brain, it still sounded like he was operating a buzz saw into a bullhorn 4 feet away from my aching head. 

This in and of itself would make it unbearable and unlikely that I would sleep, but this was not my only hurdle between me and blissful unconsciousness.

The next big challenge to glorious sleep was that I was sharing a bed with Luca.  And, while I know some of my mom friends out there sleep with their children and consider it a magical bonding experience, I assure you, you wouldn’t be warm with maternal love if you slept with Luca.  Let me explain.

Sleeping with Luca is much like what I imagine sleeping in a mosh pit would feel like.  It’s kinda fun at first, but after awhile you are just hot and tired of being beat up.  No matter how large the bed is (we were sleeping in a Queen), he is right there, pressing his little body against mine, and breathing on my face.  I scoot over 3 inches, and Luca expands into the empty space like the blob.  I move to the foot of the bed to breathe some non-recycled air, and within minutes, he finds me like a heat seeking missile.  And it’s not just the whole breathing on my face thing that makes sleeping with Luca unpleasant, it’s the fact that it’s only a matter of time before I get kicked, or elbowed, and usually in the face. 

Observe: the feet were both in my back when I got up to take this pic

Usually I make it about an hour before I get up and look for another place to sleep.  On the few occasions that I have attempted to slumber elsewhere, that whole heat seeking missile thing happens, and I awaken from a dream that I am being trampled by the bulls in Spain.   Most nights, I end up trying to get back in bed, but the challenge then becomes finding a spot to lie down in, as Luca is no longer simply lying in the spot he just pushed me out of, but now spread-eagle across the entire bed.

So you see what I was working with here, and why after taking 3 of Luca’s “night night” mints (Melatonin), I just barely managed to begin falling asleep, a mere 90 minutes later, somewhere in the neighborhood of 4:00am.  And, as you can probably guess, it was around this same that time that my mother finished doing whatever the hell it is she does in the bathroom for hours and hours on end, and begins rummaging around the room like a bull in a china shop.  After several mysterious crashes, and the lights turning on, she is finally ready to go to bed, and switches on her sleep apnea machine.  Yeah, the Darth Vader machine. 

It’s now 4:30am, and I’m sharing a room with the human buzz saw, Darth Vader, and a rolling stone.  Thankfully my body gave out and exhaustion won out sometime around 5:15am, and I finally got some sleep.  It’s a good thing too, because at the stroke of 7:00am, Luca was awake and needing me to turn on cartoon and listen to him as he told me important things like the changes he would like to make to the Ferrari Italia.  Fortunately for me, I have mastered the "SNOW" skillset (Smile, Nod, "Oh Wow!"), and was able to impersonate a real, living mom with very little difficulty. 

I have also mastered the skill of walking with my eyes closed and putting on some coffee, so I was able to deal with my complete lack of sleep with relative ease.  Who needs sleep anyway?  I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Conversations With the Kid #3

Luca: "Mom, do they have snowcones there?"

Beth: "Just for adults."

Conversations with the Kid #2

Luca: "Wow! Mom! You look really, really good in your bikini!" (Exaggerated stunned look)

Beth: "Did you think I wouldn't look good in a bikini?"

Luca: "Even, I thought you would look good, but not hot."

Beth: "I look hot?"

Luca: "Yeah!"

Awwww. I think I'll keep him. :)

{Vintage} Ohh, SNAP! {3/24/08}

Today's story comes courtesy of my penchant for sarcastic toddler t-shirts...


So being that it was an international holiday today, I had the obligation to speak to Mark briefly on the phone.  After the perfunctory and glib holiday well wishes, he cheerfully asked to talk to his son. Usually Luca is all for chatting it up on the phone any chance he gets, but apparently he wasn’t feeling very “Canadian” today, and did nothing but stare at the phone.


Feeling dejected, Mark turned his sights on me, and began punishing me for our offspring's insolence.


While I cannot manage to remember how in the world the conversation brought us to the topic (most likely because all I was hearing on the other end of the line was blah blah blah), Mark decided to make a snide comment about one of Luca's tshirts.


"I love how you dress our kid in stupid shit like, 'My Moms Outta Your League'. Shows that youre really insecure about yourself", he retorted venomously.

I rolled my eyes as I prepared myself for what would likely be a lengthy adolescent tirade aimed at tearing me down, but under the guise, of course, of friendly joking.

"Ive got a tshirt of my own", he continued.

Yup, here we go! I thought to myself.

"It says 'I Support Single Moms', and it has a nice picture of a lady that looks like you, on a stripper pole", he said, clearly pleased with himself.

What happened next was one of those beautiful moments where despite being taken aback by someone's boorishness, the perfect rebuttal flows effortlessly and coolly from your lips.

"Well Im glad to hear you are supporting a single mother SOMEWHERE."

As the words flew from my mouth, they sliced the air with such precision and landed upon their target with such stinging accuracy, that I could practically hear the sound of leather meeting flesh.


All of the sudden the phrase "Ohhhh, snap!!" had very real meaning, and the stunned silence that emanated from the other end of the line was sweet.


Ahhhh, nothing beats a well worded BURN. Happy Easter to me.

The Tell-Tale Part (an "Oh, SNAP!" conversation)

Old Lady @ 24HR Fitness: "Is your hair blonde, or white??!"

Beth:  (looking around)  "Huh?  Are you talking to me?"

Old Lady: "Umm, yes!" (Pointing at the tell-tale part with an annoyed expression)

Beth:  "Yes, Im a natural blonde."  (as I think "as if its any of your freaking business")

Old Lady: "Why would you do that?  Dye your hair a different color?!  I mean, I just do not get you girls.  It looks unnatural."  (Snarky and disgusted look)

Beth: "I dont know- why do some senior citizens get porn star boob implants and shop at Forever 21?"

Old Lady: (gasping) "WELL!  I...  Who do you think you are to judge *ME*, young lady?!!  Why I nev-"

Beth: "The 'Kettle' to your 'Pot', Grandma." (interrupting Old Lady's indignant rant)

Random passerby: "Ooooh!  She done told you!" (laughing)

Beth:  "Well... Right?" (shrugging)

Random passerby: "Uh huh, I know that's right!"

(Old Lady storms out)


The moral of the story: Dont point out someone's roots if you look like a surgical science project gone wrong.

{Vintage} Conversations With the Kid

Luca: "Mom, that granola bar made my tummy ANGRY"

Beth: "What does your tummy feel like?"

Luca: "Like it is fighting with the granola bar"

Beth: "How does it feel though??"

(BARFING FROM THE BACKSEAT)

Luca: "Like my tummy won."

Conversations With the Kid #1

Beth: "Shut the door."

Luca: (ignoring me)

Beth: "Luca!  Shut the door!"

Luca: (singing to himself just outside the door)

Beth: "LUCA!!  SHUT THE DOOR!!"

Luca: "You shut your face!"

Beth: "Excuse me?!" (angry look)

Luca: "Oh crap." (worried look)

Stupid Conversations #1: @ the Magic Kingdom

Beth: "Id like a smores square and a peppermint patty please."

Cast Member: "Do you want one or more smores?"

Beth: "Just one smores square please."

Cast Member: "I'm sorry, do you want one or more? Its very confusing that you keep saying 'smores', with an 's'. That means more than one."

Beth: "Actually, I keep saying 'smores' square, as in singular, or one square. And besides, there is only one 'smore' left so its a moot point really."

Cast Member: "What's that mean?!"

Beth: "It doesn't matter."

Cast Member: "Well it does to me!" (angry look)

Beth: "That's the definition of moot- it doesn't really matter."

Cast Member: "Oh." (long pause)

Beth: "So.... a smores square and a peppermint patty please."

Cast Member: "How many would you like?"